The Dog Whisperor - A Good Parenting Show

I love dogs and watch Cesar Millan's Dog Whisperer together with my daughter every Wednesday on the National Geography Channel.  It always strikes me how similar dog training is to parenting.

Watching the show you will keep hearing Millan say, "I don't train dogs - I rehabilitate dogs, and train their owners", "It’s not about the dog. It's always about us", "Dogs are pack animals, they need a stable, assertive and calm owner as their pack leader", "You can say as much as you want, but the dogs are picking up what is inside of you from your voice, your move", "It's always about us. It’s up to us to create an environment and circumstances in which the dog can thrive and be itself”, "To be happy, dogs need a good job, and good food, and a pat on the head. Americans tend to over-do on the affection and under-do on the job...".

Millan repeatedly stresses that dogs need a pack leader with a calm and positive energy.  He approaches dog behaviour by teaching dog owners to understand the dogs' natural needs and to respond to them properly.  In his book, dogs need work and discipline.  If a dog is deprived of work and discipline, it is going to have some behavioural problems.

Millan prioritises fulfilling and balancing a dog's primary needs: exercise (work), discipline and affection - in that order.  In other words, it is the owner's responsibility to fulfill the dog's needs through challenging exercise; clearly communicated rules, boundaries and limitations; and affection at the right time.  Millan encourages owners to give affection, but to give affection when the dog is in a balanced state of mind, not when the dog is fearful, anxious, in avoidance or over excited - when the affection itself can reinforce imbalance.  According to him, a common pitfall for dog owners is to give a great deal of affection with very little discipline and even less exercise.  He emphasises the importance of walking a dog, not only for the dog's exercise, but for the owner and dog to bond - with the dog ultimately recognizing the owner as its role model.  He encourages owners to watch their dog for subtle cues in the dog's posture, movement and facial expression, and to eliminate poor behavior before it arises or escalates.   And he also encourages owners to understand the profound effect their own attitudes, internal emotions and physical postures have on a dog's behavior, counseling owners to hold strong posture (i.e. shoulders high and chest forward) and to project energy that is calm-assertive.

One only needs to substitute "children" for "dogs", and "parents" for "dog owners" to have an excellent parenting guide.  A lot of what Millan says about dog echoes what John Rosemond says in his excellent but somehow neglected book Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children.  To raise happy and healthy children/dogs, parents/dog owners must first look into themselves and make themselves better parents/dog owners. 

I am of course not saying that children should be treated as dogs but the basic rules are the same.  After all, it is not about the children/dogs, it is about us.  If you love dogs or care about parenting, don't miss the show.  Trust me, it's a good parenting show.

The Joy of Being a Parent

"Dad, I want to play something new", the little lady stopped practising the Accolay and called from the study.  I handed her the music of Csárdás by Vittorio Monti that I'd been working on for weeks.  She tried it for 10 minutes, and, holy cow, she could play at twice my speed!

It feels soooooo good to be outperformed.

On Fatherhood

No babies, thank you.

My wife and I had decided not to have any kids.  So it was a not so pleasant surprise to us when we found out during our holidays in Provence that she was pregnant.  How could I handle a baby?  I was among those men who would actually step back on seeing a crawling toddler, or leave a restaurant immediately if there was a baby-like creature in it.  Our apartment was a no-baby zone and my friends had to drop off their carry-on babies and have them checked in somewhere before they came in.  I did, once, foolishly agreed to allow a toddler girl in our place for some six hours, and, consequently, I had a fever in the six days that followed.  Seriously, I did not like kids. They scared me.

My wife was not fond of babies either, but she did not hate them.  My serious allergy to babies nevertheless, we accepted the surprise and got prepared for changes, and things changed indeed...

A man (masculine includes feminine) is a dot on a piece of paper, or a plane.  As the man grows older, he becomes a circle.  With time, knowledge, experience and maybe some wisdom throwing in, the circle gets bigger and bigger, and bigger.  One day it may evolve into a giant circle.  Glaring and admirable as it may be, it remains a circle, spinning around its centre, its own self, on a plane.

Things get interesting when the circle meets another circle.  Both will have to give up part of themselves.  They are no longer separate circles - no more spinning around one's own self.  The intersection brings along sparks, dynamics, provocations, good times, not so good times...  Life is simply more interesting and fulfilling.

Still, the two circles are circles on a 2-D surface.

When a child is born, it's all different.  One cannot live only with the rules of the 2-D world.  It's a 3-D world.  One does not choose the sex, personality, degree of intelligence, etc. of the child as one chooses the other circle.  You take what finds you, come what may.  There is nothing but rethinking and relearning and rethinking, struggling and letting go, accepting and compromising.  Life is 10x(square) more rich and full.  Never has the silly circle realised that watching another circle grow can be so satisfying.  Never has it viewed things from so different an angle.  And never has it experienced the unspeakable joy of looking into itself and watching its own centre, the very same centre it used to cling onto, diminishes.

I just love the world more with the coming of my girl.

Although I do sometimes get overwhelmed by the privilege of being your father, my dear girl, I promise that I'll keep my sanity, remain aloof and won't let what I aspire to be or long for becomes your burden.  So profoundly enriched my life you already have, there is nothing, absolutely nothing that I can ask of you.  This is your life, your world.
 

Where have the boys gone?

Was reading the blog of Sally Anderson (founder of Hong Kong Dog Rescue) over the weekend.  1st of May was a big day for Hong Kong Dog Rescue - it was time they had to leave their kennel in Pokfulam and move to their new home in Tai Po.  The big move was filmed and you can watch it on Youtube.  I couldn't help wondering while watching the video:  How come most of the volunteers are girls?  Where have the boy gone?

This book, "Why Boys Fail: "Saving Our Sons from an Educational System That's Leaving Them Behind" got mentioned in the Hong Kong Economic Journal.  Out of curiosity I downloaded a sample from Kindle Store.  Don't like it.  It reads amateurish and contains mostly second-hand information.  Looking for something better to read I found Peg Tyre's "The Trouble with Boys: A Surprising Report Card on Our Sons, Their Problems at School, and What Parents and Educators Must do".  There are a few things in the book that are new to me.  For instance, I never realised that it could be a political issue as such - some "pro-boys" measures are simply perceived as "anti-girls" and strongly opposed by the feminist groups and parents of the high achieving girls.  The whole system, as pointed out by the author, does seem unfair to the boys.  When boys are treated as girls at homes and judged as girls at schools, how can boys not be defective girls?  It is a good read and I recommend it to all parents (not just parents of boys).